If neither participant has confronted his own toxic shame and core insecurity, then dysfunction will course through the relationship and poison it. They will make the most of a situation by capitalizing on your upset and discomfort of their betrayal by triangulating you against those they are extracting attention from.Īs Alan Downs points out several times in The Velvet Rage, when two gay men are in a relationship with one another, it will only work out if they both wrangled with and tamed their own demons. Never forget that narcissists are masters of triangulation in their pursuit for fresh narcissistic supply. Of course, this does not have to be out-and-out cheating, though it usually is. And betrayal can manifest in any number of ways-secrets are divulged, finances are abused, and untruths are told.īut probably the most common form of betrayal anyone involved with a narcissist feels is infidelity. They’re apt, as many of the behavioral patterns Downs discusses are less than desirable for living any kind of an authentic life.īut still, who am I to judge? Perhaps no one, but I’ve experienced what I experienced and I’ve witnessed what I’ve witnessed, and The Velvet Rage validated all of this far more than I ever expected it to.Īnd so, let’s press on with the final three points I’ve taken away from Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage… Point 03: Gay Men Are No Strangers To BetrayalĪ hallmark experience in any narcissistic relationship, gay or straight, is betrayal. I’ve used words like “dysfunctional” and “toxic” quite a bit in the writing of these points. And as I share these personal aspects of my life, I make sense of them through my own self-education on the topic of narcissism in the hope that it will help people who are currently in the position I was in a few years ago. For some time now this website has been a public journal where I’m presenting my own personal experience of a narcissistic relationship with another man. I was fixating on the darker aspects of the book and not so much the hopeful parts. As I wrote about Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage this week and last, I noticed an obvious pattern.
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